Obligatory Snow-day Twitter Compilation, volume 1: The Hits
It’s snowing in Denver today. We’ve got a good 6+ inches on the ground, many businesses are closed, and if you live in or have friends from Colorado, then right now your twitter feed is completely deluged by posts about this winter wonderland and the many challenges it imposes. So, in order to make your life easier, I’ve gone ahead and done the legwork this snowy morning, reading the tweets you don’t want to, so you don’t have to. I’ve compiled them all into this easy-to-follow, condensed post I like to call the Obligatory Snow-day Twitter Compilation, Volume 1: The Hits. Reading all the expected and fairly obvious twitter posts so you don’t have to.
Let’s go ahead and start with the Coloradans:
- Men from Colorado are posting about how CDOT sucks at plowing, how RTD sucks at running busses on time, and if you work retail (shout out!), then chances are right now you’re cooking up a real zinger about how the mall is evil for being open today. My more liberal friends will find a way later this afternoon to spin this into a spiel about the evils of Capitalism and a free-market society.
- About 80% of men from Colorado are also posting, “wish I were heading off to (insert favorite winter sport) instead of driving to work right now!”
- Women from Colorado are starting every tweet with the word “Ugh.” As in, “Ugh I hate drivers from California,” or “Ugh, I wish I were heading off to (insert favorite winter sport) instead of driving to work right now.”
-Ubiquitous post about how drivers from every other state are idiots. Mostly Californians.
- Funny but insensitive post about women drivers.
- Apologetic yet snarky reply to the one lady offended by post about women drivers.
- Every single citizen with an iPhone has already posted a picture of their back porch covered in snow (myself included,) on Instagram.
- And of course, the skanky girls are excited to wear Ugg boots, miniskirts, and long scarves. Oh! And here come the cellphone mirror shots!
On to all of your out of state friends:
- If they live somewhere warmer than you that doesn’t get snow, they’re mocking you.
- If they live somewhere that gets similar snow (like my family in Nebraska,) they are sympathetic and want you to be safe and warm.
- If they live in a state that gets even slightly more snow than here, they’re mocking you and telling you about that one time they got slightly more snow than you and how it was way worse than anything you have to deal with. Those friends are jerks.
Californians:
- Most of you are super excited OMG to wear Ugg boots, miniskirts, and long scarves.
- Dudes are so glad they have Hummers.
- You’re all really pissed at Colorado for inconveniencing you with this uncontrollable act of nature, and really think snow should “just go away forever.”
- 65% of you will find a way to turn a post about snow sucking into a post about Inn-n-Out being better than any other hamburger.
- 10% of you can’t work the internet.
- A small minority (around .001%) love the snow and are rejoicing in the endless beauty of nature, winter, and creation.
